Fri, 04 Jan 2008 05:20:58 GMT

Lawls. I has a mood theme. Was a bitch to do but I loves them <3

Sun, 02 Dec 2007 19:04:34 GMT

8 handwritten pages, front and back, on 'cheat and write less' paper. Pencil, even though ink is permanent. I really hope it's enough. I hope I've written it all. I hope it's enough. ~~I guess all I ever do is hope~~

Sun, 18 Nov 2007 20:27:40 GMT

Well Caroline did this. And I read it all. And I really wanted to do one of my own.

I was born in Kansas City, Missouri. I don't remember much about there, just that I got my first dog, Lassie (a sheltie), and that a huge oak tree feel on our house.

We moved to Chicago before I was in school. My sister was born there when I was five. I remember begging my parents for a sister. Once I had one, I never wanted anything to do with kids ever again. All she did was cry and annoy me and take attention away from me. As a kid I was a little whore. I had about 5 'boyfriends' and I think I even kissed one of them. e-e

I moved half way through first grade to Orlando Florida. We had a two story house and the best bedroom I have ever had. There was so much light in that room. It just made everything seem so much better. I met Elysia and Amanda. They were my first friends. And we fell in love with pokemon.

I met them at the bus stop on my first day of school. Amanda became my first best friend. We did everything together. She lived a street over from me so when we got older my mom let me run over when ever I wanted. But, we were some messed up little kids. The day I discovered my vag was the day I ran over to her house and showed her and she showed me hers. From then on things just got out of control and we ended up fingering each other many times. And somewhere in the back of my mind I think this is where I started seeing girls as more than just friends, though I didn't notice it at the time.

We got into a girl scout troop with Elysia and Mona. My mom was the co-leader. We had lots of sleepovers and camp-outs. This is about the time when my dad started ignoring me and directing all his attention and free time to my sister and newly born brothers. It hurt at first, but I started to feel less bad about it once we started fighting. I now know all of the fights I had with him were when he was drunk, but I didn't know it then.

6th grade. I was so scared. I took orchestra and I met Alex, and we started a good friendship. She liked anime a bit and she introduced to anime. Elysia and I became junkies. I'm still friends with Mona and Elysia and now with Alex we made a cool little group. Alex and I, because we were in a weird orchestra class we had 7th grade lunch. We knew no one but our class and they were all older. Somehow this, in my mind, meant I should curse like a sailor. And I did.

In 7th grade I took PE. Don't ask me why I just did. And I met Amberlee. I had hated her in 6th grade because she made fun of Inu Yasha. But we clicked the year after, only because I had completly forgotten who she was.

8th grade year was the best year I ever had. That year was 'advanced' art year. I had it with Karl, Elysia, Mona, Izzy, Alex and Amberlee. I met Izzy in the art class and we became really good friends. Alex, Izzy, Amberlee, and I were in the school play and grew really close. Karl. Just.. Karl. He had a crush on me and I knew it. But I really never felt that way. I just didn't. But at that time I just went with it. The kisses never meant anything to me and I always stopped him from going too far. At that time I just really needed someone to be there. Just there. All the time. Without wavering. A solid something to hold me up.

But, as Izzy entered the group so did Rosa and Lance. We had so much fun together. We had "Izzapalouzas" which was just a big sleepover party where we all went to her house, ate pizza, watched movies, played on her trampoline, and then sat under the stars and talked about everything that was going on and such. Those nights were the best. Karl and Lance could only stay till 11 but the girls stayed up and talked about everything. It was so amazing and I miss them dearly.

Summer between 8th and 9th grade year was so fun. Lance, Izzy, Rosa, Alex, and I all had season passes to IOA and we went often. I had tried out for the Acting Magnet in DPHS and I got my acceptance letter, I didn't think I was going to make it in.

9th grade year was.. a blur really. I remember being very happy that Lance, Alex, Cassie, and Danica got into the acting magnet with me. Alex complained about how much we were excluded by the drama people but I didn't really care. I became close to Alex, Danica (a little bit), and Lance. Karl and I broke up that year. We were together for more than a year. I didn't even cry.

That was the year I stopped wearing my anime shirts. Izzy and Alex never really wanted me wearing them, saying that people look down on those who wear anime stuff. But one morning I was walking out of the art room and this girl screams "THERE SHE IS!!!" and I am glomped by two complete strangers because I was wearing a FMA shirt. I never liked human contact. Not even hugs. I was so awkward when Izzy and Alex made me hug them good-bye. And to be glomped. By people I don't know. It freaked me out so much that I never wore those shirts again, even though I loved them.

That summer I went to Scotland with the drama people to go perform Seussical the Musical. It was a really fun trip and I had a great time.. but my group didn't have anyone I was comfortable clinging to so I was silent most of the trip.

Ah, 10th grade year. The year that everything in the world died. Well, 3rd period was fun. Danica sat right in front of me the whole year and I played with her hair a lot in class. She helped me on tests and I think the lowest I got as a final grade in that class was a B. I had lunch with Alex, CK, Danica, Cassie, and Karl.. and other random people. Karl was an ass the whole time. After we broke up we no longer saw any need to hold back when we fought (we fought a LOT) and somehow we ended up hating each other, though I wish it wasn't that way now. But one day he was bashing me and Danica stepped up and told him basically to shut the fuck up and go sit somewhere else. And he did.

A lot of that year is hazy. I mostly remember after winter break. During the break I just lost contact with everyone and winter break is when my mom tried to kill herself the year before and it was when my dad divorced my mom. Like I said I don't remember much but somehow I just couldn't take any of it anymore and I just felt alone and like shit and just everything piled up and I tried to overdose. I wrote nice little letters to my friends; Alex, Izzy, Lance, Karl, Amberlee, Mona, Elysia, CK, and Danica (yes, Danica).

The first night I took 28 Advil Liquid-Gells at around 9 pm on 1/1/07 and fell asleep with my tv on. I woke up to the sound of Full metal Alchemist playing. "fuck."

The next day at about 11 am I took 50 more. And I just started getting sick. I couldn't keep anything down and I didn't eat for about 3 or 4 days. I missed the first week back from school. My mom took me to the doctor and thank god they didn't run some tests. But they did say that if I didn't start eating/drinking I'd be put on an IV and stay there over night. Haha, no.

When I went back to school no one really seemed to care. I had talked to Alex the day before and she said that there were two BIG 'partner' projects and I wasn't her partner for either of them. "Well what am I supposed to do then?" "uhh.. I don't know? Do it by yourself I guess.."

So I get to school and Danica snaps her fingers at me and says "hey, you're my partner for both the projects." Enter Danica. I had always wanted to be her friend. Like, really, I'm not making that up. I knew her in Orchestra and for some reason everything she said was so freaking funny. So I started hanging out with her a lot more because we had the projects to do. Then she started talking about Kingdom Hearts.

Kingdom Hearts. I had liked it before, but without a PS/PS2 I had no way of playing it. I tried my best to follow the fandom but I had no one to talk to about it. Then Danica started talking about it and it just rekindled my love for it. We went to megacon and I slept over at her house the night before. It was the first sleepover she'd had in... 7 years?

After that we just became super tight. I started neglecting my other friends and clinging only to Danica. At this point in time though the slightest little tremble in my world would sent me falling. I was so unstable. It was only 3 months after my attempt and I hadn't told anyone. I think at this point... I know Caroline and her group? Yeah, sounds about right.

But I was having sleepovers with Danica every week at this point and then I had a break down. I ended up having to tell my mom that I attempted. And then I started therapy. I fucking hated it and I lied about most of everything in it just to get out sooner. I ended up telling Danica sometime after. I told her online, when something big was going on.. oh yeah. Everything was falling apart. I was losing my old friends and everyone was turning on Danica and it was just a really big mess. They just kinda.. gave up on me. Well, most of them did. Alex and Izzy ended up coming over so I could tell them what was up in person.

Izzy ended up crying.. But not when I could see her. I don't think she knows I know.

Life went on. Then.. somewhere in the middle of the forth marking period (I'm close to Caroline at this point) I realized I was totally falling for my best friend. What. The. Fuck. And I felt so bad about it. because.. She's my best friend. She has a boyfriend which she is willing to kill herself over. And she's a girl. And most of my 'friends' hated her. What now?

So I ended up being forced to tell Izzy and Alex. Izzy cried. But not when I could see her. I don't think she knows I know. I told CK and Caroline too. Alex called me that night and was just really freaked out and made me feel so fucking bad about it. And I already felt bad enough. So I cried after I hung up with her, talked to CK online, and then called Caroline and Danica. I told Caro flat out, and I told Dani that I made Izzy cry because I told her I was bi. Psh.

Then it was just hell. What had I done? I just made my life so much worse for myself. Caroline's group was big on physical contact so I got over not wanting to be touched. And I started getting incredibly close physically to Danica. Like, a ton of people thought we were dating, which, I knew would never happen but I wanted so badly.

I got out of the drama magnet. I hated it there. I didn't like the people and it was just too much work for no rewards. My last thing with the drama people ended so badly. Danica said she was lying all along about Maric and I had three good guesses to what it was. I was so fucking stupid. She was talking and I was just like.. I don't even know what I said. But I made it obvious that I liked her. Later that night:
her-“You don’t like me or love me or whatever, you just think you do.”
me (lying)-“I know”
her-“As long as you know that.”
me-“And I do. Do know that, I mean,”
her-“Okay.”

That should have been the end of it. But I guess I don't know how to let go.

Summer was fun. I wish I had hung out with more people though. I was mostly with Danica (no duh). But she was at her mom's house. And she never called. And my depression came back. And I was about two seconds away from going into the kitchen and getting a knife and slitting my throat. Dead serious. But Danica came online(I think she was on her cell on AIM) and she started talking to me and made me feel really stupid about wanting to kill myself. So I just cried the rest of the night.

I also got arrested. Yup. Arrested. I was with Mona and Elysia (my mom was so happy about me seeing my 'old, good friends'). I actually don't think much about it. It was just something that I won't do again, they shoplifted, yeah. I'm not close to them anymore though, they keep making bad choices and I don't want to be a part of that.

School. The first week started out great. Danica jumped in front of me at lunch and showed me her fingers and was like "what's missing?". I had no idea. Oh. Promise rings are gone. You won't take off the necklace? Okay, I'll still think of him owning you every time I see them. Whatever.

Anyway. We became more and more physical and somewhere inside it was killing me. Just to be that close and not have her notice anything. Then, about a week later, she asked me out. I was about ready to cry. I called Caroline first because she had helped me through every time it was too much to take. So, gee, I wonder what I did? I said yes. Deeeer. Yeah. So then we were girlfriends. Finally. After so long. Things were looking up. Right.

So we held hands a lot and I got lots of snuggles, and glares from other people, but I didn't care. I finally had the person I was in love with. I loved it.. but I could tell something was off. Like, something in her voice every now and then. (You're probably thinking "oh BS D<") We went to Operation: Storm Disney Castle. That was grand. I loved it, but not for the cosplaying or hanging out with them. I loved it because we held hands and she sat in my lap a lot and we were just really close, even though Hanyer+Olette=no.

I love Disney now because of that.

Theeeen things died. Suddenly there was a no-contact rule. And every time I said "I love you" it was brushed off. And it was killing me, because I knew it was over, but she wouldn't say it. So I spent... two weeks? Trying to make it work still, not making it work, telling myself that nothing is wrong, that I'm just too clingy and everyone needs their space, feeling horrible because I was doubting her. No. I finally broke and asked her and, I got the answer I knew I'd get. "I'm not all sure on this whole girlfriend thing. I'm just no good with relationship things." (which, makes me laugh now. Because you know, she's in another relationship already. Ha ha. It's funny, right?)

Enter split personalties. The one at school: Happy normal Michelle, not at all bothered by what has happened. Happy. Smiley. Normal me.
The one at home: Cutting. Bleeding. Scarring. Talking to Caroline, trying to find support because I have fallen way too fucking far.

Now, this isn't all because of Danica, really. I had started another depression a while back and I just kind of blocked it out while I was with her. Then with her gone it all just hit me and I'm still in it now. But, I needed to get over it. Really. So I made Danica into this really horrible person. You couldn't love someone horrible right?

Well, all it did was just really screw up my image of her and I was afraid to be near her and I'm still unsure of my friendship with her. Like, she still means the world to me but I don't love her anymore. I'm just kind of through with love right now. It still hurts way too much.

So right now I'm working on healing wounds made by myself and trying to sew back together a heart. All the while trying to stay ontop of school work, rebuild a friendship, fix friendships with other people, and try to keep myself from cutting. Because I really do need to stop. And.. I'm possible considering going to see another therapist. One that I'll talk to. but I need to learn how to tell the truth in person first. This should be interesting.

okay, I'm done being snide now.

Sup?

Sat, 18 Aug 2007 06:42:56 GMT

Well, I thought I should at least post something here. I never use LJ. I'm mostly on DA where I pretend to be a good artist. Well. I don't really have anything to tell you all. .....Hi?

Sea-salt dreams

Sup?